My childhood Sexual Abuse story

******TRIGGER WARNING******

For people 18 years and older

Continuing with sharing my story today.... This is not for pity or oh poor Heather.... I am now stronger than I ever have been and don't need pity.. The purpose of me sharing my story is to help others feel safe in sharing and for my healing. Shame can not live if the story is being shared.

I have been in Therapy for about two years now and it has helped me tremendously and I honestly think everyone could benefit from it! I kept my secret of sexual abuse hidden deep down inside until I was 28 almost 29 years old... Nobody but my abuser and myself knew about it. Of course thats how he wanted it to stay.

Almost four years ago I was severely triggered and it was what gave me the strength to finally confront my abuser through text, I told him that I remembered what he did to me for so many years, he then tried calling me because well he is a master manipulator and he for sure thought he could talk his way out of this one! I did not answer the phone and then he texted me saying he was so sorry for what he did.... I knew then that I finally had some kind of proof that people would have to believe me.

The main question I get asked when I tell my story is why didn't you tell anyone before? Well to be quite frank and honest I was terrified of this person but I also loved him... I know what you are thinking how could you be terrified of him and love him all at the same time? Well this is what happens with incest, I had a relationship with him and sometimes he was awesome and so nice to me and protected me from other things, but then he would hurt me.... I was very young when this started and I didn't even have words to explain what was happening to me. Before therapy I thought it started around the age of 8-9 but since I have been in therapy I know now that it started at a much younger age probably around 5 years old. He started threatening me around the age of 8-9 and so I thought that's when it started... This person lived in my house he was always there, just around the corner watching me making sure I would not speak up... There were several times I came close to speaking up and then he would threaten me so I kept silent.

This person was my sibling, we had been through so many things together as siblings do. He was my older brother someone who was supposed to protect me. So when people say oh not in my house... That shit would never happen! It does happen, it doesn't care about your age, gender, sexual orientation, your race or religion, it doesn't matter if you are rich or poor. It happens with people you trust and think highly of. It happens more than you know....

As a survivor the abuse has affected me in so many ways, more than I even like to admit sometimes. Working in therapy has truly saved my life and for people to think that if I do therapy for 6 months then I should be healed from my 7 years of childhood sexual trauma well you are wrong! The choices he made will affect me my whole life, I can do the work to "Heal" but it will always be there.

It affected me in school, I was always an "B" "C" student but I would have to work my ass off to make those grades, it was because from a young age I would literally disassociate (Leave my body) because that is what my body did to protect me from the trauma. It's not something I could control so a lot of the time it would happen to me and I would not even realize it happening. So then I wouldn't understand what was just being taught because I was not there! I also developed an eating disorder at a very young age and started gaining weight rapidly, it is something I have always struggled with and still to this day I struggle with it. When people talk about diets and their weight it makes me feel terrible and shitty, it puts me into a downward spiral, all of the thoughts about not being thin enough, not being pretty enough, and having bad genes consume me. I think to myself, maybe if I did my hair or put on some makeup or lost weight I would be pretty.... I have struggled with my self image all of my life! I also started drinking alcohol at a very young age, I would put liquor in my water bottles and take to school in high school, it was a way to numb all of my feelings.... I got so good at hiding these things and my feelings!

This whole time I was going to church being a good little girl on the outside, I even got baptized when I was in middle school and I remember the whole church being so proud of me (it felt nice).... Even though the only reason I did it was because thats what I thought I was supposed to do.... I had not "found God" unfortunately for me he was not there.... When people say pray about it or God doesn't give you more than you can handle thats bullshit. Do you think as a little girl I didn't pray for help? That I didn't ask God to please help me? I did everyday.... Maybe in your experience he has been there but for me he was not ever there, so please be careful with your words of religion. I am so glad that you have God, I wish I had that comfort but I do not. Everyone has different experiences and different beliefs and that is ok.

I also have CPTSD for those of you who dont know what this is, it is Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, specific to severe, repetitive trauma that typically happens in childhood - most often abuse. So the trauma happened over and over and over. I have flash backs, nightmares, and panic attacks. I have become pretty good at hiding those things because I have been hiding them for years, I almost never have panic attacks in front of someone. Usually Im alone because thats what my body does, I push down push down all of my thoughts and feelings until Im alone and then BOOM it all comes up... Just because someone looks put together and looks like their life is amazing doesn't mean they are ok....

I am healing, and I have found strength inside of me that I never thought I had! For so many years I was the "good girl" the one that never caused problems the one that went along with everything just to please others because I thought that is what I was supposed to do and who I thought I had to be. (Also another thing caused by my abuse) Through therapy I have found my voice and over the past couple of years have been able to speak up for myself and set boundaries. If those boundaries are broken then I do not have time for you in my life. I set them in place for my safety and if you can not see that then too bad. Has this been easy? Hell no it has not been easy... I have had to tell people no that I have been saying yes to for years and that is very uncomfortable for me. This then makes me look like a bitch for some reason. I have lost friends because I changed from being a people pleaser do everything until i'm run the hell down to no I really can't do that and they didn't like that new person. Of course I am constantly working on this, I still am a people pleaser deep down and I fight with that side of me everyday.

Through sharing little bits of my story on instagram I have found other people who have felt comfortable sharing their story with me. That is the main reason I share my story, I remember seeing people sharing when the Me Too movement started and how powerful those women were sharing their stories. It made me proud of them and I knew the strength that must have taken. It helped me feel not alone in my life even though I had not told anyone... I want to help other people feel not alone because for so many years I felt alone, I felt that shame and that hurt and felt like there had to have been something I could have done differently.... But I know now it was not my fault and it was not your fault if it happened to you. Those people made a choice to hurt us again and again knowing it was wrong. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Unfortunately there will always be people that do not stand by your side, and you might loose people you thought loved you and that is really hard but healing and becoming whole is so worth it. It's not an easy journey to be on, but you are not alone in this journey! I am hear for you if you need to talk!

If you would like to share your story anonymously I will be sharing others stories here on my blog. You can email your story to me at heatherjenealittle@gmail.com I promise it will be anonymous. Let's lift each other up!

Thank you for letting me share my story with you, I appreciate you not judging me, I appreciate you standing by my side. I will probably share more here on my blog so please sign up to be notified when I post.